It is hard being on the road over 200 nights a year...away from your family, isolated in many ways. It definitely isn't for everyone. This blogs represents the thoughts of just one such person. Read along and find out if the road is for you.

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Tuesday, January 21, 2003

 
They take paradise and put up a parking lot… 1 Ago

Remember the words to that song? Well, it came on the radio the other day and got me to thinking. (Yes, that IS a dangerous subject when I am concerned.)

Anyhow, my thought was this, how many times in our lives have we had a good (or even great) experience/opportunity, only to throw it away? Or in the words of the song, take what is paradise in our lives and cover it up with a parking lot? Paradise is then lost forever.

I am sure that we have all had those circumstances. I can flood my mind with those feelings.

No longer a regular thought, but there was a time when I frequently use to think what if…

What if I took the service up on sending me to college for 4 years and then giving them 6 back in return? Only instead of being an enlisted man, I would be an officer. How would my contacts be different? Looking back, I am sure that my career definitely would have taken a different path. But the logic of a 19 year old who had a car payment and a girlfriend payment at the time was this…Once I dedicate four years of my life to college, why am I going to want to be in the service? After all, how much do you make? (A stupid, but driving force in my earlier days was earning power.) So instead of getting a college education at the government’s expense, I went into the Navy as an enlisted man, took college at night and probably didn’t make as much as I would have. (On the other hand, I think I have led an interesting life and have encountered things (most good) that others will never experience. Would that be considered a push?

I don’t think I put up a parking lot on paradise in this case. But paradise was a longer time coming. Don’t get me wrong. I love what I do. But I wonder what would I be doing had I made that choice back then?

Career is one thing. Love is another. In that regard, I have been a parking lot guru! I have paved more parking lots relationship wise, than most asphalt companies! You know that saying that everyone has three great loves? Well, in that regard, I have been blessed. But I feel like the guy who said he has been married for thirty years….to five different women. I was beginning to think that I would never get it right. Would my timing would ever be right for me?

Timing is everything and up until now, mine hasn’t been dead on. On the other hand, maybe, just maybe, I have saved the best for last. I can honestly say that at least in some regards, I can’t remember a better time in my life for love.

But oh, the what ifs…..

I guess the other thing I wonder is do you ever get over the what ifs? What if I hadn’t got divorced? What if I stayed through this relationship? Overlooked the alcoholic tendencies of the other? What if I hadn’t let the last one get away? These are all things I ponder. Not a lot, but enough. Enough to make me understand that I need to give everything I have to this one.

Am I perfect? Not even close.

Do I stay true? Still a tough issue for me. One that puts me in a constant quandary. I know that not every part of a relationship is perfect. But how close to perfect should your relationship be? Is seventy percent of the time good?

I was at a men’s retreat back in November and some men there had real issues with women in general. Looking back, they acknowledged that women are wired a little different than us. In my “alleged” mind, I thought that was what attracted them to me. Maybe they are supposed to drive us a little bit crazy. (Do I do the same to them?) Hell, in my mind, at this point in time, I am the perfect mate for someone. I am home minimally. I pick up after myself when I am home. I even do my own laundry a good bit of the time. I don’t ask how you spend money as long as some money goes into savings each month. Isn’t that perfect????????

But even with the knowledge that at this precise moment, things are going well, am I subconsciously looking at asphalt prices? Maybe, like Sheryl Crowe says, “it’s not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you got.” Maybe the folks that are happiest are the ones who aren’t asking themselves, “Is this all there is?” or “Could there be something better out there for me?”

Either question (both of which I sometimes ask myself) is both perplexing and vexing. Aye, there’s the rub. But questions that need to go unanswered for the time being. That may be my best approach.

Blog on!