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It is hard being on the road over 200 nights a year...away from your family, isolated in many ways. It definitely isn't for everyone. This blogs represents the thoughts of just one such person. Read along and find out if the road is for you.
This is my new blogchalk:
United States, Georgia, Gainesville, Unity of Gainesville, English, John, Male, reading, RE Investing. :)
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Saturday, August 31, 2002
Make no little plans;
They have no magic to stir men’s blood
And probably themselves will not be realized.
Make big plans; aim high in hope and work,
Remembering that a noble logical diagram
Once recorded will not die.
Daniel H. Burnham
I can’t sleep. And I am not totally sure why. I have been up since 3:30 (I can remember a time that is when I used to go to bed.) and have tried all the usual remedies that bring sleep. Watch television. Read. Play games on the computer. But alas, it is not to be.
Maybe because today is the day I put the offer in on the St. Augustine house. Maybe it is because of what happened with Julie, I am having second thoughts (hell, let’s make that second thoughts for the thousanth time) about if this is the right way to go. Somehow, I feel that this move is going to be the last major one.
I shouldn’t have thoughts about moving. I wasn’t an Army brat or anything, but my parents had a penchant for buying houses when I was young and as such, we moved with some frequency. I can remember my mom saying, “This is the last house I will ever live in” for at least 5 houses.
So what is it that gnaws at me? I wish I knew. Maybe I could then sleep. You would think that being home for a few days and actually taking some leisurely naps would remedy all need for rest. Da company called on Thursday and actually awoke me from a nap. Yet, I am tired.
Maybe, I am just tired of this existence. Of being on the road. I can’t say that I am any happier when I am home. Just what exactly would make me happy? I have been asking myself that over the last few days. See, what some time to think can do to your psyche?
Da company just put out a new compensation plan. I wonder why they feel the need to do that? Maybe they are trying to compensate for the crummy travel arrangements they put us through in the name of “saving the client money”. They should be looking to rid themselves of a few consultants instead of trying to hold on to them. Their goal should be to have EVERYONE’s schedule be fuller. I am not complaining. This is the slowest schedule I have had since I came here, but I am starting to see some gaps. Not only in mine, but consultants much better than me, like Neil and Jenny. Maybe, they are flat out smarter than me and are out there using their time off looking for the next job. Instead of focusing on the coffee house, maybe I should be putting my attention on the next deal.
Ultimately though, I wouldn’t be any better off (except maybe financially) at the next place than I am here at this one. I have some angst that is probably going to last throughout the weekend. Now there’s a cheerful thought.
I am actually starting to question my own BS (that’s “belief system”). Or am I just getting more cynical as I get older? Or am I just getting older? See what sleep deprivation does to you?
My only goal for September is to get down to 200 pounds. That would be over 100 pounds lost since March. I have been hovering at the 85-90 pounds lost mark for a couple of months. Not bad if I say so myself. So I am committing to walking at least once a day (a habit I have fallen off from lately) and to have more protein in my diet. (Protein really is for the vitamins and for fat to keep my hair). Sixteen pounds will do it. That should also put me at a waist size that is in the 30’s. My body hasn’t seen that since the early 80’s. Believe it or not, this last paragraph has made me feel better. I will just leave on that note.
posted by John Panico at 6:42 AM
Thursday, August 29, 2002
And you wonder why I am crazy….
I give up. I either am unable or don’t have the knowledge. Women (especially Julie) truly confuse me.
What is it that I don’t get? Yesterday started out so well. I actually went into the client’s at 6:30 (I would much rather come in two hours early, than stay 10 minutes late.) and we run through the issues regarding several projects we are managing together. They finally come out and offer me a job, but as I tell them, the commute from Atlanta to New York would be horrendous. But it is nice that they ask.
During the day, I hop onto the net during a brief break. The users homepage was on msnbc.com. It had a blurb about free airfare to Puerto Rico. (The catch was you had to pay for the hotel, which started at $200 for the week). I thought to my self; “Self, this is the sign you have been waiting for. You wanted to go on a vacation, didn’t know where to go, but wanted a sunny destination. This fits the bill. This is a sign from God. Go for it.”
So I wait the 20 minutes on hold (you can imagine the onslaught of callers), get info on a beachfront hotel that is truly gorgeous. Still, I am not 100% sure that I want to do this on the spur of the moment without talking to Julie. The lady is kind enough to call me back in 20 minutes to finalize details or not book after all.
Julie has told me earlier in the week that since her co-worker was having an operation, the soonest she can go on vacation is the third week in October. Her birthday is October 13th.
I call Julie and tell her about the deal and the dates that we might go. Because of her co-worker’s condition, she can’t go the week of the 11th, which would take us out of town for her birthday. We decide on the 17th and to add an extra night.
I am happy that we have vacation taken care of (or so I think). I think I have done a good thing. I have found something that I think she will enjoy at a place (that knowing her love for the beach and pretty places), she should love. I have taken the pro-active approach. (She has told me that she doesn’t know where to go, and wishes I would make more decisions, which I have done here.) I end up buying the extra night and spend $900, which I feel was a great deal. (I checked on the net and the airfare alone would have been over $900)
I get home at 10:30 last night and she is whining about not going to Hawaii for her birthday. What did I miss here? What the f**k did I miss in the conversations that we had? If I had done this without her knowledge and just booked it, I could understand. But I don’t get it. It sorta pisses me off. In fact, not sorta. It really pisses me off.
I acknowledge that I don’t understand women in general and Julie in particular. I wish someone would tell me how life works. I could go on about the dichotomies in dealing with this woman in particular and all women in general, but what good would it do? What benefit does this relationship hold? Do you ever feel like your work provides someone else a good lifestyle and that is the only reason you are around. I have begun to have those thoughts.
I told my self in the beginning of the year, that I was going to re-invent myself. Others may have to do the same if this is going to go forward into the future.
posted by John Panico at 4:56 PM
Tuesday, August 27, 2002
I’m screwed….
It’s Monday and I am back in New York. Work-wise, it is a relatively short week. My mind has been reviewing some options that I could do to get another billable day or two. Then, it hits me like a rock. I was just bitching last week that other consultants at the company get a week off at a time and I wish I could. This is about the best I could hope for. Basically, most of Monday off, work Tuesday and Wednesday, then have the rest of the week at home heading into the holiday. How good does that get? (Note to self: self, stop your bitching!)
It looks like St. Augustine is going to be the future. Eddie came back with an offer concerning her house that didn’t have any investment in the coffee house in it. I don’t have any hard feelings, but don’t understand her at all. Maybe, it is all women I don’t understand. I certainly could use some help in that regard.
I am also experiencing some guilt for not keeping the blog up over the weekend. I meant to, but I had nothing but remorse for computers all weekend, so I just didn’t feel like it. I got in Friday about 11 PM and got up on Saturday, took the cat (the best kitty in the whole world whose name is Artemus) to get his rabies, and promptly headed to the church to work on their computers.
I got a client to donate their computers to my church. I thought I was doing a good thing. All I was really doing was giving myself more work. In my “alleged” mind, if I got the computers, someone else could take it from there. NOT! So now the minister wants me to network them up as well. Every time I decide on a working Saturday morning, all the people who said they didn’t know anything, but wanted to learn from me never show up. I have schedule 3 of these and not one person has shown. Screw it; I will just do it myself. There is a good amount of work to do though. Each of the computers have had their disks wiped clean, so I have to load NT, then MS Office, and a few other programs before the job of networking can be started. I have that pretty much done, so the next thing on the list is running cable. The minister wanted this done in July, but my schedule and helpers have set it back to probably the end of September. So I went to the church at 6:30 Sunday morning to do some more work, plus change out the hard drive on the ministers computer, so she can print the mailing list, Her power supply on her computer went out and it was quicker to change drives than get a power supply.
I feel like I have been working all weekend. Besides the church stuff, I have dreamed about work each night. I am waking up more tired than when I went to sleep. It is the new program that I am learning. Will I ever learn enough to get by? Mike told me the other day that you know you have it down when you no longer compare the process in the new software to the old software. I won’t have it for awhile it seems.
Do you ever feel like a part of your life is just screwed? Right now, I do. I shouldn’t complain (but I am). I make more money than I spend. I save at least a $1,000 every month. Some of my clients like me. I make a difference in some of their lives and businesses, but I don’t feel fulfilled. And in order for me to do that, I am probably going to end up in a legal entanglement with the company, so that doesn’t look promising.
And then I wonder if I am really going to get this coffee house going? Do I still have the energy you need to start a business? I think the energy is there, but how do I find the time? And that is why I am feeling screwed.
And Julie is of little or no help. In many ways, I feel like the Red Hen who asks, “Who will help me plant? sow?, cook?, etc?” Julie and everyone else wants the good things that can come with it, but I am the only one willing to do the work. I really could use a partner, but Julie gets upset about that. She said it never works out. That consciousness doesn’t fit into my being. If you don’t think it will work, it won’t. Why can’t people approach things more positively?
Well, tomorrow is another day. Another day to work. Another day to add to the meager bonus for the month. And maybe, just maybe, I can meet with Bob who has expressed an interest in the coffee house. I think I am $30K short, but could really use fifty. Any ideas?
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